We all like our children to grow up to become successful in whatever they choose as their career. However, this takes responsibility on us parents to provide what is needed in their growing up years. These are the formative years. Children need maximum mental nourishment in addition to the physical nourishment. Their mental nourishment comprises of mostly value systems in addition to the physical nourishment. As our children come into their teens, we need to provide what is required of us. We assume the role of a solution provider. How good a solution provider we are depends on how good a listener we can be. We sometimes offer solutions which we have rather than what is asked of us. Are we a part of the problem! What can we do to offer solutions that is required of us so that we can be a part of the solution?
The Mentor
As parents, our role is to mentor our children. This means, in the initial years, our children must know what is good for them and what is not. This drill is what we call mentoring. In other words, we can also call these as value systems that parents introduce to their children in their growing up years. Above all, children are pushed to follow these value systems. This is the right thing to do. This is also called disciplining the mind.
The Guide
As children surpass their initial growing up years and come into their teens, they don\’t need a mentor anymore. They need a guide.
We all have an inner guide. If we listen to this inner guide, it will tell us what we can do and what we mustn\’t do. But, there is a problem. The problem is in accessing this inner guide. The interference is caused by the mind. Desires in mind prevent us from accessing the inner guide. The mind behaves as if it is the inner guide. Then, it becomes difficult to differentiate between the mind and the inner guide. That\’s when parents act as guides to their teenage children. This practice of listening to the inner guide was not taught by our parents. Therefore, we don\’t know how to teach our children. As parents, we must learn to connect with the inner guide and listen to its guidance. In other words, It\’s our internal GPS which is always there to guide us with whatever we need.
What I really want!
Children are open to discuss with parents. But, parents begin with a judgment. They are assuming that they know. Children mostly are upset with this. When I speak with my 15 year old daughter, In my 28 year of working with people, I have seen countless parents who tried whatever psychological tools they had, to influence their children. This is not right. Children who have passed the growing up years and entered their teens need your guidance. They don\’t need your mentoring anymore. You mustn\’t force them to do what you think is best for them.
The homework parents need to do
There is quite a bit of homework parents need to do so that they can be effective as guides. The homework begins with releasing all of your perceptions, resumptions, judgments, desires for your children. This can be effectively accomplished with a process called Cutting the Ties That Bind. This is a 15 day process both parents need to undertake so that they can free themselves from forcing their children. In other words, parents need to guide without expecting the outcome. There must be absolute non-interference in their guidance. This becomes easy only when you take responsibility and do your homework.
When in ego consciousness, we become a part of the problem. Guidance must be given only when it is sought. That\’s when relationships blossom. A happy family is one where everyone has the freedom to explore life responsibly, without fear and prejudice.
— Mahesh Krishnamurthy
