You and me are born happy. Mostly, we grew up playing. That’s us. We grew happily and as youth happened, we experienced something called love. It was always there, but not directed. Now, we gave it a direction. Most of us directed it to the opposite sex. And then, the inevitable happened. It is called Marriage. I wonder if marriage was earlier called “Mirage”. It quite doesn’t seem like what it is presumed to be!
Post marriage, mostly the pair remains but love evaporates. At least, this is what I have discovered in the countless couples I have worked with, who courted for several years and then married. And, most of them wonder why, marriage ever happened!
Marriage problems or relationship problems are not new to couples, whether they are courting or married. What is new for the couples after marriage is the fact that, now the partner is with you all the time. And that time seems eternal and everlasting. Now you don’t know how to handle this part of the relationship. It’s new and you don’t have any prelude to this. All problems begin with the lack of knowledge about your 24×7 partner.
You feel your partner is viewing you with a telescopic vision. You feel every step is being watched. You feel vulnerable and judged. Exceptions to these facts are but a few.
Marriage is a contract between two people who have agreed to learn about themselves by reflecting their choices, actions, habits, behaviour patterns, attitudes, roles and their personality. Seldom does anyone understand this fact. Most of the people I have worked with, have married for the sake of wanting freedom from somewhere else. And a few of them have married for pleasure and the rest have married as a mark of their gender-pride.
I recently met a lady who was in her early sixties. She was a divorcee and a mother to her daughter of 25 years. She narrated her story during her marriage years and how she walked out gracefully is something I heard with a sense of awe. I picked up the 8 ultimate principles which she employed during her marriage years which helped her maintain her physical health and her emotional and mental strength as well. I wish to share these principles as ways to fix your life while you are married.
Spend time in silence everyday
Everyday, take out Me time. This is a time when you connect to the core of your being. You alone have access to this part of you. Don’t let anything or anyone interfere with this Me time. Depending on your schedule, you will know how much time you have, to spend. But, do spend a few minutes every day.
My Me time happens before my family wakes up. This way, my family doesn’t even know when I had my Me time and they are happy that I spend considerable time with them everyday. That brings a point to my mind. Do not spend your Me time when family is awake and about in the house.
Have clarity on the role you are playing
We all go through several relationship experiences every day. Some we create, and some we react or respond to. Our spouse or partner is most of the time ta party to our experiences. This makes the experience “two-to-tango”. Its all good when things go well. But, when there are some relationship problems, the situation turns murky. It is usual, one of the partners points their finger to the other as the reason why their situation turned sour.
What you can do is to stop right there. Observe the situation and ask yourself; “What can I do about this troubled relationship?” If there is an answer, act on it. If there isn’t an answer to the situation, consider speaking with your partner about it. If your partner is the aggressive type, either sit tight lipped and do something about releasing your stress such as free form writing or celebrate life, or simply walk away from the scene.
Never assume your life to be stereotypical
Your life never remains the same. Every day is different. Everyday is loaded with opportunities to make today the best day of your life. If you allow your life to be like any other day, you are responsible. You can always dream, make plans and take actions. In the beginning, you will feel things are not happening. Do not lose hope. Within a few days, you will see more possibilities on how you can accomplish your small dreams. It is the small dreams that grow and one day, not far from the day you started, will become a journey you will create for yourself.
Never say sorry to your wife
We all make mistakes. Some learn quickly, some of us learn slowly. And there are those who are very smart and learnfrom others’ experiences. No matter which type you are, it is necessary to acknowledge that we are all always learning. Here is some couples therapy. When your spouse recognises some of the mistakes you have made and points their finger at you, do not say sorry. In fact, when you say sorry, you can create more relationship issues. If your spouse is your feminine partner, she will most likely want you to acknowledge the fact that you messed it up. She wants you to take responsibility for your mistake. That is where she’d want to see your strength and ability.
If you are a woman, you might want to stop arguing and ask your partner whether he is willing to make amends to his habits. Nothing is easy, everything takes time. You might want to give it some time.
What you can do is, offer an apology. Mention to your partner that you messed it up. Own up responsibility and clarify that you’ll never repeat that mistake. You will release a huge weight off your shoulders. Your actions will restore love in your relationship.
Make decisions and definitely take actions
Most advice on relationship problems are discarded at the office where the couple receive it. Most common relationship problems revolve around decisions made and action not taken. Whether the decision is to commit oneself to the relationship without conditions or to get something fixed in the house, one of the spouse lags when it comes to take actions. Men are excellent decision makers but they are not as good as women when they have to act upon their decisions. When you match decisions made with actions taken, you will see a definite shift in your relationship.
Do not be bogged down by emotional attachments
Attachment to a loved one can cause you to sacrifice your happiness for that person. Most problems in love for your loved ones begin with increasing attachment to your partner. My client was told by her mother that if she walked out of her marriage, her mother’s life could end from shock or a heart attack. My client told her mother that it is important to maintain her own body and mind in sanity rather than worry about her mother. She eventually walked out of her marriage in early 2000 and her mother is still hale and hearty.
It is important for you to live your life with your partner. Its not enough if you are simply living your partner’s life with him or her. The best marriage solutions are when both partners live their life while respecting themselves and each other. There must be strong boundary of personal space for oneself. This does not mean you live selfishly, only for yourself. The Cutting ties practice at taught by Phyllis Krystal is a fantastic method to maintain your personal space while enhancing and enriching love in oneself.
Beware of advice not backed by experience
Many a times, when we feel our minds are filled with stress, we want to confide in a friend. Most people who choose to confide do not want marriage solutions but end up getting one from a friend they can trust. Advice on relationships problems must always be backed by experience of either solving their marriage difficulties themselves or if they have helped someone before. If your trusted friend or counsel doesn’t have experience with fixing relationships, it is best to avoid such advice. It is even better to not confide in such persons. The best way then, is to sit in silence first. Then look for possibilities to work with your relationship from your side.
I remember another client who, several years ago, wanted to walk out of her marriage. When I helped her work with herself, she turned her life around. after a good two months, she came to me and remarked; “What have you done to me?” I am in love with the same person whom I wanted to get out of my life. He hasn’t changed, I have changed the way I look at my life in my marriage.”
If you need help, reach out to someone who has more experience.
Address your physical, mental and emotional needs
You have to address your physical, mental and emotional needs regularly. No one else can do it for you. You need to fill up your life by your own actions. Your physical needs can be met with the time you take off for yourself trekking, playing outdoors, holidaying with family and friends. Your emotional needs can be met with connecting to happiness always. Happiness can be enhanced with laughter, jokes, fun activities. Your mental activity can be sharped with playing crossword with a newspaper, solving puzzles, reading, writing, blogging, etc.
In conclusion, you will realise when you use these 8 principles, your life will turn around not only for you. Your family will also benefit as a result. Yes, there will be conflict and resistance to accept the new you in the beginning. Stay firm and resolute, and your life will change for the best.
When I worked with my life, my family did resist and discard every principle I employed. It took time for me to work with myself. Today, most of my family members consider me a level head of the family.
Mahesh Krishnamurthy has more than two decades of experience working on relationship issues and how that can affect your mind and body. He has since helped over 43000 people overcome their relationship troubles. He can be contacted on firstname.lastname@example.org.